Even though this is the second lesson, this course has already helped me really look deep within myself and reflect what is really important in my life. This is a short post compared to my first and an emotional one to write. Again, feedback and critiques are welcome. Enjoy 🙂
That Horrible Word.
There are times during my life where I can vividly remember certain experiences, one of those was when it was my 8th birthday and after a long day, a fun party and presents I just wanted to have some daddy, daughter time. My small pale hands were cradled in my daddy’s large tanned hands, while my little bare feet carefully balanced on top of my father’s brown fraying slippers as we danced with the song My Eyes Adored You, by Frankie Valli Four Seasons, played in the background. Then, there are those times when dates or days become fuzzy around the edges because of the emotions that come with them, yet in those specific times, I can remember where I was and how I felt, in that exact moment and this was one of ‘those’ times.
The sky had shed it’s azure blanket, with white cotton candy clouds in favor for an inklike canvas speckled with faraway winking stars. My ex-husband was driving our car and I, watched rows of stately green leaf laden trees whiz by my window. We were traveling to pick up our two little girls from my parents home after a weekend of preparing, sorting and planning. My mind was still swimming with thoughts of what I needed to organize for my ex- husbands seven week trip to America, in which he’d find living arrangements for when we moved there and for himself, a job. Amongst those thoughts were the underlying ones of, how was I going to manage being 30 weeks pregnant with a four year old and a two year old, keeping the house in perfect condition for prospective buyers, sort out what little possessions we could take and pack them into six suitcase’s. That was when my mobile phone rang… I was glad for the distraction.
“Oh, hi mam.”
“You nearly here?”
I reached across and turned the music down, “We’re about thirty minutes away. Are the girl’s alright?”
“The girls are playing and excited you’re on the way to get them.”
“So, did you need me to pick you anything up from the store?” I asked.
“No, I don’t need anything from the store, thank you.”
“Okay.” I waited for my mother to speak, but all I heard was her sighing. “You okay mam?”
“Well, you know I mentioned, I went to the doctor a while back?”
My mother sighed again and I began to get that nauseous feeling stirring in the pit of my stomach, my heart began to beat a little faster as I waited for the impending words to flow.
“I went for some tests at the hospital and…”
I heard a quiet sniff, “Mam, what’s wrong?”
“My tests came back positive and I… I… Have breast cancer.”
My pregnant belly constricted, I felt sick. I couldn’t internalize what my mother had just told me. My mother had just said ‘that horrible word’, Cancer! My mother has breast cancer? No, that can’t be so. I croaked out a whimpering, “Mam!” As tears welled and my hands shook uncontrollably.
“Helen, I’ll be alright.”
How was my mother staying so calm, why wasn’t she crying along with me. I couldn’t understand what was happening. My mobile phone was resting against my ear, no words came and I continued to look out the car window, only now all I saw was a blur of trees through my tears.
My mother carried on talking, “It’s an aggressive type of cancer and it’s spread to my lymph glands and I’m scheduled to have surgery in a couple of weeks. I’ll be alright and we’ll all get through this. Don’t worry about me, you need to focus on that little baby in your belly and stay healthy. You understand what I’m saying, Helen.”
How can she be worrying about me at a time like this, my mother had Cancer and she was worrying about me? I didn’t want to believe that this was happening, after all that our family had gone through… Now this! I could feel my throat constricting, I tried to swallow that feeling of a lump in my throat. I said, “Yeah, mam. I understand.”
“Daddy is calling, so I best go and see what’s going on.”
“Okay.” Was all I could say. I could hear my mother telling my dad she’ll be there in a minute.
“I’ll see you a little bit then. Cheer up, it’s not the end of the world and Helen… I love you.”
My hands trembled as I answered, “I love you too, mam.”
My mother hung up the phone and all I could do was sit there as my world came crashing down around me. I dropped the phone into my lap, buried my face in my hands and sobbed.
Copyright 2014 Freckles. All Rights Reserved.