So I have decided on my subject matter for my first memoir and have written the first 4 chapters. Some honest feedback would be appreciated. I started to write this as I kept my friends in such amusement as I told them my tales through my dating life . This is the first chapter, Hope you enjoy it
Why am I on Tinder?
The decision to go on Tinder was not an easy decision to make. I’d been single 2 years and saw some of my friends having relative success on the infamous dating app.
I thought, I’m Ok looking, doing alright for my age. Still got my own hair, not grey and all my own teeth. Boobs and bum still standing. Now looking back, it might not have been the best idea. I was still finding my way in the world after my last relationship. Trying to work out who I was as I felt I had lost my identity. The relationship lasted 13 years and it wasn’t the healthiest. I lost myself, I was subject to his cruel jibes and temper. His control of me was absolute.
When I met him, I was a single mum of one with a career I had dreamt of since being a little girl. Working with the rich and famous, travelling the world. Doing what I always said I was going to do ever since I tried on my first dance shoes. All I needed was a partner to share my life with. Go on adventures and be with my best mate. I’m the monogamous type. Loyal to my own detriment sometimes. But that New Year’s Eve when I caught his eye from the other side of the room, I was smitten. One bottle of Bacardi later and he was mine.
I thought this is it, this is the one. I will never have another man in my life again. Things were great for the first year and I fell pregnant. That’s when it all started going wrong. He turned into a controlling human being, constantly putting me down, making me start to not have any faith in myself. The doubts creeped in, I no longer thought of myself as a vibrant, intelligent, successful sexy woman. I now thought I was fat, ugly and stupid. I had never been so miserable in my life. For the sake of protecting my children I am not going into full detail of the abuse that came my way, as at the end of the day he is still their father!
Then came along my third child, who was diagnosed as autistic at the age of 2. There was no going back, and the relationship deteriorated at breakneck speed. Everything changed once I learnt to drive and gained employment working for a charity. I was starting to believe in myself again. I remembered what I was capable of. Started to rediscover and found the strength to bring the relationship to an end.
I might have found my freedom, but I soon discovered I was extremely shy and had a lack of confidence. Who was I? Who was this person I was looking at in the mirror? I started to reconnect with the friends I had lost during my relationship, without their support I might have ended up back in the metaphorical prison that was built for me.
I look back now and realise, I wasn’t truly ready or completely healed. Maybe I was still possessing an innocence and naiveté, when I embarked on my Tinder journey. I thought I was a woman of the world and could take anything that was thrown my way. I also thought I had a good understanding of men through my close male mates and having worked with mainly men most of my life. How wrong was I?
So, after much encouragement I decided tonight was the night to start. I got myself ready, shower, hair, large glass of wine and I was ready. I was in the right mood to do this! Setting up the profile, choosing the pictures, thinking of the right words to use to describe myself.
Tinder show me my Mr Right!
1………. 2…………3…………and swipe!